pancakeboy | ic inbox [ota]

"We all still have contact with each other. I try to check on both of them periodically, but your younger self and I end up having longer conversations by virtue of... well, I suppose we just enjoy it." Raven shrugs, taking another bite. "It's comforting, I think. Even if distance divides us, we're still a part of each other's lives."

"Sounds like you can't get enough of me." Something twists inside him, and he looks away.

"I'm allowed to like you both." Though he smiles, there is a firmness to his words. "...Do you want to sit down?"

"No," he says, more crisply, staying securely against his wall. Raven is thirteen. Magpie isn't going to dig up more than he can help, and yet....

"Do you know why I hate him? Drake, I mean."

"...No. I think Crow does, but he's never been the most forthcoming about this." Raven sighs, slumping a little, but still holding the konpeito box steady.

Magpie could tell him. They share a history, at least in this. Raven would know the insult, deep in his bones, as deep as Magpie does. So why hasn't he ever told him? Is it just that he can't bear to speak it?—which is quite true; he never has repeated it.

Or is it that part of him wants to be better than Shido, still, despite everything? Can that be it? Not to use Raven as a pawn in his own games?

He sighs, low and long. He fucking hates that guy. "What he said to me was—unforgivable. Enough so that I should have found some way to kill him for it."

"I see." He's quiet. Contemplative. There's a lot that's gone unsaid. He can tell. Raven is far from stupid.

"But you haven't, so is that truly all there is to it? Did the fond memories from your time as children truly not mean anything?"

"I haven't ever killed just because I wanted to." Quickly, he covers that one up. "There wouldn't be enough hours in the day. But...." His face screws up briefly; he forces it straight.

"I didn't choose any of that. It was done to me. It was an insult to both of us. Drake would agree."

"Can you really say for sure?" Raven doesn't want to sound accusatory, least of all to Magpie. That's not his goal, but... "Drake has a Palace now. Glitch... she said you said or did something to Drake that she considers unforgivable. I feel like these must all be connected somehow."

He sets the konpeito box down on the bed, careful to close it first. "I think... even if you hate him, this can't go on unaddressed anymore. Something has to give."

Ugh. Rather than reply, he folds his arms and looks away, petulant as a child. The idea of addressing it—of facing what happened and what he truly feels—it makes him want to run from the room.

But is that all it is? Whatever it is, it's absolutely pathetic. For fuck's sake, he's killed people. He hisses under his breath. "What if I don't care to address it?"

"I didn't think you a coward, Magpie." Raven winces as the words leave his mouth. Bad choice of phrasing. "That is to say, I know you aren't, and I know you can face anything if you try. Are you really going to let him get the last laugh? This is a golden opportunity to prove to everyone how far you've come."

There. That's suitably Magpie-adjacent. Appealing to his competitive side.

For a second, it looks as if he might grab Raven by the shoulder and throw him out the door. "Funny you should say that. I didn't think you'd manipulate me."

But... ugh. God. Fuck. He presses his hands to his face. He cannot do this. Blood will tell. Blood always tells. He shudders behind his hands.

"What exactly has he done for me, that I should so much as lift a finger for him?" Still, he doesn't tell Raven exactly what Drake said.

"I wasn't trying to manipulate you! I was just being honest." But, screw it. This physical distance isn't helping. Raven moves closer, leaving the comfort of the bed behind. "It's not about what he's done for you. It's about being the bigger person. I'm not saying it will be fun, nor am I suggesting you owe him, but you both were able to connect so well as children, and you both remember. I'm not convinced this is a matter as simple as hate, and..."

He looks away, briefly. "I miss it. I miss when you were both happy, or at least tolerating each other. I miss when I didn't have to worry about Crow being so shaken by this damnable situation because Glitch seems to believe you're a monster. I think you could prove them all wrong."

"Well, she'd know," he spits, hands still pressed to his face. He wants to shove Raven away, and he wants to pull him close. Why is choice such a fucking curse? Why isn't he just a machine to be programmed and given orders?

"I'm not the bigger person, Raven. I'm never going to prove anybody wrong. If I'm like my mother, I belong in the gutter. If I'm like my father, I belong in jail. In fact, I do belong there, as you know full well. All this has been coming since the day we met." And if he has to take a chance? On Drake, of all people, who made a weapon of his mother, who betrayed his own Akechi's trust?

He's never held out an olive branch in his life.

"Yes, you are!" Yep, he continues his approach. You aren't getting away with this. "Am I saying you're perfect? No. Neither am I! But you've grown just as I have, and even before then, you still saved my life. That's proof that despite how little you may love yourself, you aren't irredeemable. I've seen it firsthand, not just with how you've cared for me, but the others as well. You're reliable, and you're absolutely capable of kindness, even if you often bury it behind a wall of spikes."

He pauses, trying to catch his breath. "It's... difficult, sometimes. To see what others find appealing in you, but you've made it this far. Are you truly going to let this setback stop you?"

He feels Raven's belief in him like the weight of a tomb. Not irredeemable? It's irredeemable to refuse to help someone who—

It bursts out of him before he can cut it off, snatching it back just in time to press his hand back over his face. "You don't want me to be kind. You want me to be a doormat. Some things are unforgivable."

"You're putting words in my mouth. I'm not saying I want you to be a doormat. I am saying you have the opportunity to prove them wrong. Even if it's out of spite, that's something."

He folds his arms, refusing to yield. "And think of it this way. If this mission hinges on you, they'll all owe you for this. You will be at the center."

It says something about the depth of his rejection that that argument does not move him at all. Why prove them wrong, after all, when they're right about him? When all of them agree that he's the worst? Every clock chiming in concord, for one painfully blissful moment.

Except for one. He lowers his hand, glares at Raven. "Whatever's happening to him, he deserves. The same way I deserve whatever happens as a result of this. That's just a fact, whether you like it or not."

Damn it. Why must he be so stubborn? Raven's fists roll tight. He can feel his eyes stinging. This is... it's...

"Is it a fact, or is it that you don't want to consider the alternative?!" Shit. He yelled. His voice even cracked a little. Damn it all...

"...I just don't understand why you deny your own worth. Well, perhaps that isn't the right way to put it. I understand that you've walked a dark path, but that was then. It's been nearly a year now. I just..."

He wilts, unable to keep the fire going.

"I wish you could love yourself even half as much as I love you."

There. He said it.

Everything stops. He did not just hear that.

After a moment, he drops to the floor, burying his face in his arms. Goddammit. Goddammit. Damn it to hell.

Oh. That doesn't look good.

Still tentative and rather teary, Raven takes a seat beside him. "...Did I do something wrong?"

He feels like he's expanded to fill the room. Like if he remained standing, he'd have fallen. He's never wanted to run so far and fast in his life.

"Do you—" He catches his breath. "Do you care if you did?"

"Of course I care! I wouldn't have said any of that if I didn't." He's not sure what to do here, so he just sits there, watching.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

relevant icon text

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

2/2

1/2

2/2

no subject

no subject

no subject