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Oh no, not another lecture about Shido. Now he really does bury his face in his arms. "I know more about Shido than you could ever hope to. I don't need to be told anything about him! I don't want to sit here wondering what I feel, because I don't feel anything."

"You do, because if you were truly cold and unfeeling, you wouldn't protest. You simply wouldn't care." He almost growls his words, only to stop himself, press his palms together, and steady his breathing again. "But... I understand. It would be easier to be unfeeling, to not give a rat's ass about complications and consequences. You aren't wrong to feel that way, especially now."

"Heh. I wish I felt that way." He still doesn't lift his face.

"Then correct me, because you and I both know that you don't literally feel nothing. If you did, you wouldn't wish to feel as if you did."

Goodness, has he ever felt so... frustrated before?

"Complications and consequences... I think about nothing else. All the time. You could say I don't even think about it." Tee hee. "Back home, I could put them out of my mind."

But not here. Here, all too often, he's left with nothing but his own mind, endlessly rotating, dodging, plotting.

"Then isn't it better to air them out, so they aren't merely spinning endlessly? To voice these feelings, so they are out and the open, and you carry less weight into the mission."

But it's a start. An admission. Perhaps there's still hope for him yet.

"No, it's not better." One eye, lightless in the dark, peeps up over his arm. "I haven't even been able to make you understand. Anything I say, anything real or—or true...."

He breaks off. What the fuck is wrong with him, all of a sudden?

"Why isn't it better?" The why matters, but he sees that eye. Gives a fleeting glance. "Even if I can't grasp everything, I'm still willing to try, but dancing around these subjects won't bring any clarity for either of us."

But maybe it's not just a matter of words. He reaches out, but doesn't touch. "Do you... need anything?"

The other eye appears, far more quickly than the other one did. "No gay chicken."

What.

Crow's Shadow freezes for a second, eyes wide, and then...

Oh, he laughs. He covers his mouth with a hand out of politeness, but laughter rings all the same.

"E-emotional support isn't the same as romantic or sexual advances..."

"Isn't it?" All right, though. Time to turn the tables. "Why did you get so upset about that earlier, anyway?"

And just like that, he freezes again like a deer in headlights. A little bit of a blush creeps to his cheeks. "You're the one who sent those text messages at Raven's birthday party! You put those images in his head!"

Edited 2024-07-17 19:24 (UTC)

"What, and you got the followup? If you know what I mean." Amusement is creeping in, just a bit around the edges. "Crow got distracted when his Ren arrived, and you're stuck with me?"

"You say that like Crow discarded you, but I should think it's rather obvious that he cares for you deeply. Remember, you were the one he turned to after that... unfortunate conversation with Drake."

Not only that, but, erm. Well. "I am also dating Ren, and Crow and I have..." No. Not going there. "Well, more to the point! I chose to spend time with you."

What. His head jerks up all at once.

"Yes, you did. Back up. Crow and you have–?" Ugh. He buries his face again. "I don't even want to know, do I."

"Ah, well... It was partially for Ren's enjoyment. Let's just leave it at that." Heh, heh... Goodness, that's an awkward segue. No, his blush did not intensify, shh. "But in all seriousness, if you do feel excluded, why not talk to them? If Crow didn't care, he wouldn't have defended you so staunchly, let alone had that breakdown earlier this evening."

Edited 2024-07-17 19:33 (UTC)

It's another one of those things impossible to explain, that he doesn't so much think as feel, down below his diaphragm and in his toilet bowl late at night. Someone to want him around, to the exclusion of all others. Someone with whom he'll always come first. Someone who'll tell the rest of the world it can burn, as long as Akechi is his. Being around Crow and his weird harem has made it impossible to ignore—and as impossible to attain.

"Anything you did should have been for your enjoyment, not Ren's. Even I know that much." He ignores the rest of it, the bit about Crow.

Edited 2024-07-17 19:36 (UTC)

"You're deflecting yet again." He has to bring it up, but for the rest... Cough. Well. "And it's not as though I didn't enjoy it. I, ah... well. Crow is very important to me, and it didn't feel like a particular stretch for... reasons."

Yes. Reasons. How thought provoking.

"At any rate, Crow thinks about you all the time! And your happiness. Ergo, you needn't fret about being seen as lesser."

"Reasons," he repeats again, hollowly. "Right." God, this whole digression was a terrible idea. He's going to be a wreck tomorrow in the Palace.

"I offered an out from that point of discussion. You're welcome to take it." Is this really easier for him to talk about? Truly?

Honestly? It's far easier for him to talk about. It's not like his body feels like his own; it hasn't in years.

"You're right, of course. What would you rather talk about?" He sounds bled dry of emotion.

"Well, I'd like to help you feel better." Sorry, Magpie. There's no escape from Mr. Sentimental over here.

"Not in any ways that could have come off Pornhob, I hope." It's easily one of the least sexy-sounding things he's ever said.

"No, I'm not here to seduce you. Consent is extremely important, and even if that was what you wanted, I would have to get Ren's approval." He's not a cheater, no matter how... complicated his gay chicken feelings are. "But if there are other ways to comfort you, I'm more than willing."

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