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"And I'm sure you don't feel constricted by that at all," Ren snorts.

"...You feel like you don't truly have a choice. Like we've cornered you and are twisting your arm, and you have no true freedom in this situation." Goro heaves a heavy sigh, tightening his grip on Magpie's shoulder. "Is there anything we can do to alleviate those feelings? The last thing I want is to use you, no matter how dire the circumstances."

Edited 2024-07-15 01:52 (UTC)

"I don't need my feelings alleviated." Annoyed, he finishes scrubbing his hand clean of coarse, cheap sugar, and drops the wipe on the floor just to get up Crow's nose. "I said I'll do it."

If he wasn't so fucking weak, he'd break Crow's grip on his shoulder, and break Ren's hand right along with it. But he is weak, weaker even than he used to think he was, and the part of him that could do anything has rusted almost to nothing.

"Yes, yes, you're very strong and hard-shelled and don't deal with any of the pesky feelings that we do," Ren snorts again. "Just...theoretically. What would make you feel better."

"I can make us some tea?" Crow's Shadow suggests.

As for Crow, he doesn't move an inch. "Magpie, while I appreciate that you're willing to work with us, I'd rather we resolve any lingering problems between us. Despite the way we approached you earlier, we all care for you immensely, and we would never ask this of you if it wasn't entirely necessary."

Ren would get it, he thinks, randomly, disgusted with himself anew. I wouldn't have had to tell him shit. And if I did, he'd....

He'd what? Turn on his heel and walk away? Tell all his friends? Fight to the death, like Akechi dreamed of? "I can think of about ten different ways you could have asked me, Crow. You didn't have to put me on trial for something you'll never understand."

To be honest, he still dreams of that, sometimes. Just having it out, man to man. Throwing down his glove to cut Ren out of his mind for good. Being somebody for a moment.

For a moment, Ren debates ripping Magpie's hand off. He really, truly does, and his hand tightens around Magpie's. But.

Ren closes his eyes. He counts backwards from ten in English under his breath. He does not think about how he has to let another person walk all over him after Shido without any way to fight back and how infuriating that is.

"Then help us understand, idiot." He lets out a long breath. It comes out fond, more than anything. "We can't look out for you if you keep us blind."

We can't look out for you.... It rocks him. And he doesn't want to be rocked; he wants to be safe. He wants to be in control again. He wants to go home.

So when his hand wobbles in Ren's, when he jerks momentarily beneath Crow's hand, rather than submit, he growls back, "You don't want to understand! You want me to comply. Which I've said I'll do. You want me to be something I'm not, and won't ever be."

He has a sense of something priceless, broken and dying in his hand. Better to finish it off fast, by choice. Better by far.

"But that's not true!" Crow's voice is raw, desperate. The hand on Magpie's shoulder trembles. His eyes slam shut. Damn it... "I don't want to change you, Magpie. I don't want to use you like Shido. I just..."

Shit. He needs to keep it together. He needs to...

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..."

His Shadow looks at Crow, so shaken, on the verge of tears, whether it be from frustration or genuine sadness... and presses his palms together, trying not to let the tornado of emotions swirling inside Crow overwhelm him. He has to be a bright spot. He has to be strong.

"It's been difficult for Crow today. First he acted on your behalf, only for the operation to implode on itself. Then Drake was genuinely hurt by it. Ren was upset. It was... hard. He's trying so hard, Magpie, because he cares so much, but it feels like he's being pulled in two very different directions and nothing he tries is good enough."

Crow takes his other hand and covers his eyes. He pinches his brow, tries to cool down. "I do want to understand. I'm sorry that I ever made you think otherwise. So much is riding on this mission, but that's no excuse for making you feel as though you're nothing but a means to an end."

And all the emotions come exploding out of him, wrapping the stupid Magpie in a hug. "I want to know who you are!!"

Uh. He's just turned to stare mistrustfully at Crow and his breakdown—just as bad, you're just as bad as him, yes thank you that's the whole POINT—when Ren grabs him from behind.

Let go, he tries to say. It sticks in his throat, just ahead of the whirlwind in his chest. Crow, he thinks.

Edited 2024-07-15 03:25 (UTC)

Damn it all. If Ren is hugging him, so is Crow. Anything to get it through his stupid head. "I'm so tired, Magpie. I do want this Palace dealt with, but I don't want you to ever feel like I'm just using you to achieve that goal. You're so much more than a tool or a puppet."

His Shadow clears his throat. "That offer for tea is still on the table, if you need it."

Edited 2024-07-15 03:30 (UTC)

"C'mere, Hiro." Ren wraps him in the hug, too. "I care about you, Magpie. I just...never know how I can show that to you in a way you'd understand."

"Let go of me." He manages it, finally, though it's more of a croak than anything else. Weak, like he is.

"I don't want to let go." So Crow won't. "Don't you get it? I already told you before. Everything Raven said earlier applies to me as well."

Think about that for a moment. Think real hard.

Ren has no idea what to do, so he just...clings.

I wish you could— even half as much as I— With a harsh, strangled sound, he tries to pull himself from their triple embrace. But there's no strength behind his effort; he goes limp, and finally, his head collapses against Crow's.

I hate you, he thinks; it springs easily to his lips, like it always has. "I hate this," he amends, muffled. "Hate it."

Crow presses his chin atop Magpie's head, holding him close. "It would be so much simpler if that Palace wasn't hanging over our heads. I..." Words. He needs to find the right words. "I just don't want to lose anyone. I'm not saying you have to like Drake, or Glitch, or anyone in particular. And for what it's worth, I am grateful that you agreed to participate."

Snuggling up against Ren, his Shadow hums. "Your grudge has put him under quite a bit of pressure. Of course, the same can be said for Glitch and Drake. They aren't faultless by any means. Drake absolutely hurt Crow, and while I can't agree with how you confronted Drake, that doesn't change the fact that you did so from a place of caring."

"I didn't." Without lifting his head, he mutters against Crow. "None of you get it. I just wanted to keep him away from me. I couldn't stand what had happened. I made sure he knew it."

Crow's Shadow is right, of course, in large part.

"You mentioned me multiple times within that thread, and the entire discussion centered about how he treated me. You threatened him for me, and you also talked me through the situation beforehand, invited me out to coffee..."

Here, Magpie. Have a little squeeze. "You took me to Mementos to blow off steam... If it were as simple as pushing Drake away, you wouldn't have bothered." Heh. "After everything you've done for me, I was furious about the way Glitch spoke about you. It's why I acted so... aggressively, back in the Palace. I refused to let her control the conversation. They haven't seen the sides of you that we have. But even at your worst, you still deserve to be loved. The whole reason I came on so strong about those texts was because I'd seen you at your best."

He pauses, in part to catch his breath. "But I misstepped, so I'll take responsibility for it and work harder in the future."

Edited 2024-07-15 04:30 (UTC)

"Oh, fuck Frog and fuck the Palace. You didn't misstep." There it is again, that part of him that steps up for Crow no matter what. He even lifts his head briefly.

"But I did. You were already distressed enough after the texts, and even though Raven was there for you, I should have known you weren't in the best mental state before I sprung something like that at you. I hurt you, when that was the last thing I wanted, and I made you think I didn't value you for who you truly are."

He's still not letting go.

His Shadow starts stroking Ren's curls just to help Ren through this rather awkward situation. Here, have a lil' nuzzle for good measure.

... huh. It actually hadn't occurred to him that he was the misstep. "I wasn't distressed," he says, numbly.

Should he try to explain? To brush against a little of his thinking? Would it serve a purpose, when the only effect of it all appears to have been to spawn this damned Palace? He thinks not. "I suppose I—misstepped too. With you," he clarifies. It's an apology, of sorts.

"It wouldn't be the first time, and I doubt it'll be the last, but we've certainly overcome worse miscommunications." There's a whisper of a laugh, though he remains in place. "I won't pressure you, but I genuinely would like to understand better. It could help us in the future to avoid situations such as this, where you feel like you aren't being seen or heard to a satisfactory degree."

But he lowers his head again, determined not to shudder, relaxing hair by hair despite himself. "I don't know what you expect me to say. I'm just not like you. I never will be. I thought he was like me. He isn't. That's all."

Thanks, Magpie.

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