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"That's why you should talk about it, get it off your chest, and see where that takes you. What will happen if you suppress those feelings only for something in the Palace to provoke you enough that they become all consuming in the heat of the moment?"

He turns slightly, dropping one hand to his hip. "That's effectively what happened with Crow earlier. All that bottled up stress led to explosive results."

"Yes, well. That's Crow for you." Imagine if Magpie had to worry about explosive results every time he stood before the director of the SIU, or Sae-san, or even Shido. What a wreck that would be.

"Magpie, with all due respect, you're not exempt from this. You and Crow both try to exercise control over your emotions in order to do what must be done. And I'm not saying you aren't capable, but what I am saying is that you are neglecting your needs in a space where you don't have to try so hard."

And that's key. This isn't Shido's office, or the SIU, or wherever else Magpie has to go.

"You have time to process and a chance to communicate. Is it truly so wrong to take it?"

Almost, he snaps. Then he just sighs, and looks away. It's just like earlier with Crow, when it took him a century to figure out what had been obvious to Falcon. "You won't ever understand."

"You say that, but you're not even giving me a chance." And there's that narrowing of the eyes again, that slight edge. "Is it not enough to listen? To at least try to reach understanding? I was under the impression that you wanted to be heard."

"I have given you a chance. I've told you why I don't have the luxury of dwelling on any feelings I might have tonight. It should be obvious why that mode of operation doesn't work for me, and why I might not want to indulge it the night before a critical mission." In other words, when he has to be made of ice tomorrow, to get through it at all.

"You say that like there's no happy medium." He wilts, sighing once again. "And make no mistake. I get that you've had to set aside personal feelings in the past, given everything you've endured. You're probably quite accustomed to it."

He folds his hands in his lap, looking down. "But wouldn't it help to at least get some of it off your chest? To vent, if nothing else, so that it's not buzzing around in your head. Even if you can tune out the buzzing, it's still there. You can put up a cold front, wear a skintight mask, but I just thought..."

Damn it all.

"You deserve to be heard. That's all."

It washes past him. He tries to process it into something logical, but it eludes him—perhaps because it's so late. "Why?"

"Because everyone is so focused on Drake's pain that they neglect to consider how much you've been hurting as well? Even Crow shares those sentiments, however he behaved earlier out of some kneejerk response to the scolding he received."

He can't help but advocate for Crow even now. The guilt from the earlier conversation lingers, like an itch that can't be scratched.

"These things are seldom one-sided. Even Crow is starting to blame himself for everything that transpired, both tonight and all those months ago, yet the reality is far more muddled and messy. It's a cycle of hurt, but one that affects you as well. Yet there are those, like Glitch, who refuse to consider that. And it's hypocritical, isn't it? She complained that you called her a bomb without getting to know her, yet she refuses to extend the same courtesy to you."

That was rambly, and yet it all comes down to one small thing.

"And, ultimately, you're a person whose thoughts and feelings still matter."

Edited 2024-07-17 17:24 (UTC)

The irony of that—of the Shadow lecturing him on his own personhood—hits him like no logical argument could have done. And it gives him pause. He's not a person, after all; not really. Never has been. He just plays the part.

"Glitch doesn't consider anything like that because she's a psychopath, or as good as." Always better to evade, after all. He doubts it will work.

"You're deflecting again." Not that he's surprised. It's one of Magpie's most well-worn tools. "Glitch likely sees it this way because she cares deeply for Drake and, in her eyes, what you said to him was unforgivable. It's easier to focus on the bad than confront the more layered reality, where a person may have reasons for their behaviors beyond pure malice."

Perhaps in some regards, it's the same for Magpie, though that goes unsaid.

"You questioned whether or not I have my own thoughts and feelings, and I'm not even human. You are, and so I should think the same courtesy should extend to you."

He draws his knees up, folding his arms on top of them as his shoulders droop ever so slightly. "You're the worst. Do you know that? Talking to you is like talking to Raven."

"But you love Raven, so I'll take it as a compliment." Take that, Magpie. Your barbs and spikes are nothing. "And besides, I was born of his repressed feelings at the end of the day. It's really no surprise that you'd see glimmers of him in me."

The l-word makes his head jerk up in the eerie half-light, but he at least doesn't deny it. "You're childish, sentimental, and naïve. And when you get your teeth into something, you're like a dog with a bone. It's impossible to make you see sense."

"Or is it that we do see the sense you refuse to let yourself see?" Oh, listen to that confidence return to his voice, look at the way his lips perk into a smirk.

"No," he says, crisp as you like. "Ironically, you don't see the differences between your situation and my own. Between the constraints of my personhood, if you insist, compared to your own."

"Well then. Care to elaborate on where I'm wrong?" He's all ears. Go ahead and make a point.

"Would you like to talk, Akechi-kun?" he mimics, in the most flawless Detective Prince manner—except for its sour downturn at the end.

Edited 2024-07-17 17:58 (UTC)

"It's a genuine question. Forgive me for caring enough to ask." Honestly. It's no wonder Magpie has so much trouble with others. Not that Crow's Shadow minds. He can put up with it.

"It's beyond me why you bother." He sighs, half-burying his face in his arms. "What about I'm a murderer, who murders people, and has to look Shido Masayoshi in the face without murdering him, is unclear?"

"And you think that somehow renders your feelings and experiences invalid?" Screw it. He's moving even closer now. "I know you don't like to be treated as a victim, and I acknowledge that you've taken ownership of your crimes. But so what? That you do take such ownership, that you do see it as a reason to devalue yourself... it's equal parts heartbreaking and proof that you are more than Shido could ever hope to be."

He slowly breathes in, then out.

"Shido doesn't give a damn who suffers on his ascent to power. Everyone and everything is expendable, but you got started down this path specifically to make him pay, didn't you? Even if it's left you with a trail of blood, even if you've done treacherous things, why should that take away from your own suffering, especially in a place such as this?"

Oh no, not another lecture about Shido. Now he really does bury his face in his arms. "I know more about Shido than you could ever hope to. I don't need to be told anything about him! I don't want to sit here wondering what I feel, because I don't feel anything."

"You do, because if you were truly cold and unfeeling, you wouldn't protest. You simply wouldn't care." He almost growls his words, only to stop himself, press his palms together, and steady his breathing again. "But... I understand. It would be easier to be unfeeling, to not give a rat's ass about complications and consequences. You aren't wrong to feel that way, especially now."

"Heh. I wish I felt that way." He still doesn't lift his face.

"Then correct me, because you and I both know that you don't literally feel nothing. If you did, you wouldn't wish to feel as if you did."

Goodness, has he ever felt so... frustrated before?

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