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"Does the same not apply to you? Could it be that because you're uncomfortable being vulnerable, it's easier to deflect the conversation onto another?"

The edge subsides, at least a little, but he remains firm. No running away from this, mister.

"I'm not—" He hisses, crossing his legs. "Tell Crow from me he's had entirely too much therapy. It's ruined him."

"Therapy would have helped him avoid a blow up in the Palace as well as his haphazard way of confronting you earlier. He honestly felt obligated to be firm due to the amount of pressure he felt placed upon him, which hardly helped."

But, fine. If Magpie won't be honest, he can always make deductions. Hmm.

"Let's see... You're likely uncomfortable with the prospect of facing Drake. You're going to have to present yourself to a group that ranges from disdainful to neutral, with Crow and Ren being the rare exceptions who truly care. The prospect of turning back the clock undoubtedly doesn't sit well, when you feel as though your own feelings and the harm Drake has done to you has gone overlooked."

Shit. He makes a sour face, and tries to turn away.

"And on some level, you wonder if you're even wanted there, or if you're just a key to fit a lock. The exact thing Crow actively wants to avoid, just so we're clear. He even emphasized how treating you in such a manner would make them no better than Shido."

Taking a chance, he scoots just a tiny bit closer. "These feelings are understandable."

"It doesn't matter how I feel." He doesn't exactly reach for the Shadow, but he doesn't push him away. "You'll never get it. My feelings are irrelevant. They are a hindrance. I have to get through the mission. That's all."

"You're not a hindrance, and neither are your feelings! How could you say that about yourself?" Well... perhaps that's naive to ask. He winces at the realization. "Er... that is to say, I believe that by confronting and unpacking your feelings, you'll be in a healthier place for the mission, and you won't be neglecting your needs."

"I didn't say I was a hindrance. I said they're a hindrance to me. How can I do what I have to, if I'm preoccupied with how I feel about it all? Come on."

"That's why you should talk about it, get it off your chest, and see where that takes you. What will happen if you suppress those feelings only for something in the Palace to provoke you enough that they become all consuming in the heat of the moment?"

He turns slightly, dropping one hand to his hip. "That's effectively what happened with Crow earlier. All that bottled up stress led to explosive results."

"Yes, well. That's Crow for you." Imagine if Magpie had to worry about explosive results every time he stood before the director of the SIU, or Sae-san, or even Shido. What a wreck that would be.

"Magpie, with all due respect, you're not exempt from this. You and Crow both try to exercise control over your emotions in order to do what must be done. And I'm not saying you aren't capable, but what I am saying is that you are neglecting your needs in a space where you don't have to try so hard."

And that's key. This isn't Shido's office, or the SIU, or wherever else Magpie has to go.

"You have time to process and a chance to communicate. Is it truly so wrong to take it?"

Almost, he snaps. Then he just sighs, and looks away. It's just like earlier with Crow, when it took him a century to figure out what had been obvious to Falcon. "You won't ever understand."

"You say that, but you're not even giving me a chance." And there's that narrowing of the eyes again, that slight edge. "Is it not enough to listen? To at least try to reach understanding? I was under the impression that you wanted to be heard."

"I have given you a chance. I've told you why I don't have the luxury of dwelling on any feelings I might have tonight. It should be obvious why that mode of operation doesn't work for me, and why I might not want to indulge it the night before a critical mission." In other words, when he has to be made of ice tomorrow, to get through it at all.

"You say that like there's no happy medium." He wilts, sighing once again. "And make no mistake. I get that you've had to set aside personal feelings in the past, given everything you've endured. You're probably quite accustomed to it."

He folds his hands in his lap, looking down. "But wouldn't it help to at least get some of it off your chest? To vent, if nothing else, so that it's not buzzing around in your head. Even if you can tune out the buzzing, it's still there. You can put up a cold front, wear a skintight mask, but I just thought..."

Damn it all.

"You deserve to be heard. That's all."

It washes past him. He tries to process it into something logical, but it eludes him—perhaps because it's so late. "Why?"

"Because everyone is so focused on Drake's pain that they neglect to consider how much you've been hurting as well? Even Crow shares those sentiments, however he behaved earlier out of some kneejerk response to the scolding he received."

He can't help but advocate for Crow even now. The guilt from the earlier conversation lingers, like an itch that can't be scratched.

"These things are seldom one-sided. Even Crow is starting to blame himself for everything that transpired, both tonight and all those months ago, yet the reality is far more muddled and messy. It's a cycle of hurt, but one that affects you as well. Yet there are those, like Glitch, who refuse to consider that. And it's hypocritical, isn't it? She complained that you called her a bomb without getting to know her, yet she refuses to extend the same courtesy to you."

That was rambly, and yet it all comes down to one small thing.

"And, ultimately, you're a person whose thoughts and feelings still matter."

Edited 2024-07-17 17:24 (UTC)

The irony of that—of the Shadow lecturing him on his own personhood—hits him like no logical argument could have done. And it gives him pause. He's not a person, after all; not really. Never has been. He just plays the part.

"Glitch doesn't consider anything like that because she's a psychopath, or as good as." Always better to evade, after all. He doubts it will work.

"You're deflecting again." Not that he's surprised. It's one of Magpie's most well-worn tools. "Glitch likely sees it this way because she cares deeply for Drake and, in her eyes, what you said to him was unforgivable. It's easier to focus on the bad than confront the more layered reality, where a person may have reasons for their behaviors beyond pure malice."

Perhaps in some regards, it's the same for Magpie, though that goes unsaid.

"You questioned whether or not I have my own thoughts and feelings, and I'm not even human. You are, and so I should think the same courtesy should extend to you."

He draws his knees up, folding his arms on top of them as his shoulders droop ever so slightly. "You're the worst. Do you know that? Talking to you is like talking to Raven."

"But you love Raven, so I'll take it as a compliment." Take that, Magpie. Your barbs and spikes are nothing. "And besides, I was born of his repressed feelings at the end of the day. It's really no surprise that you'd see glimmers of him in me."

The l-word makes his head jerk up in the eerie half-light, but he at least doesn't deny it. "You're childish, sentimental, and naïve. And when you get your teeth into something, you're like a dog with a bone. It's impossible to make you see sense."

"Or is it that we do see the sense you refuse to let yourself see?" Oh, listen to that confidence return to his voice, look at the way his lips perk into a smirk.

"No," he says, crisp as you like. "Ironically, you don't see the differences between your situation and my own. Between the constraints of my personhood, if you insist, compared to your own."

"Well then. Care to elaborate on where I'm wrong?" He's all ears. Go ahead and make a point.

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