pancakeboy | ic inbox [ota]

That's something.

[It's all he's giving, okay. He's got no quarrel with the kid. Let him grow up to be anything other than that. How about a more cheerful topic? Did anyone ever talk to Moth about his mother?... no. What about the things that can happen to idiot children who flaunt their knowledge of the cognitive world?... definitely not. Shit, it's like being six, not twelve, back with his...

Definitely not.]

I need to start going to more restaurants. All the conversation I have is unbearably depressing. Do you know that when I left, McRonalds was selling chocolate pumpkin fries? Were you too early for the joy of those? Did you even care?

I may have been too early for that, considering it was August, but that sounds exceptionally cursed and I am not sure if I'm better or worse off for knowing that this may happen.

[But congrats, Magpie. Now you get an utterly perplexed looking almost mirror image to enjoy.]

[Okay, good. Good. He can work with this. He can, and will, do this shit all day.]

Cursed is the least of it, I assure you. I think they were going for an American-style dessert motif, with the pumpkin and chocolate? But certainly those were never meant to go alongside a burger. It was like eating ghosts—actually, I heard we have one of those now.

[Yeah, his eyes have glazed over. Just a bit. Best not ask how often he got a proper meal in the latter half of October.]

We do. He's got quite a few barbs. Even got on my case for explaining the ring when he was the one to inquire about it in the first place.

[But the memory does make him chuckle a little. A good way to stay on his toes, for sure.]

Oh yes, you and your ring.

[Thank every god and Igor too, the cognition arrives with their order. It's in fine china cups and saucers, very antique, very aesthetic[tm],very apt to burn ungloved fingers. Amazing coffee though.]

I take it you didn't go into unwarranted detail? By which I mean any detail.

No, all I really said was that we're together. He complained that I could do better, and I disagreed. Then he got pissy when I had offered to explain more pertinent information beforehand.

[It's a good thing Crow's wearing gloves. He accepts the coffee but lets it steam for a moment. Best not to burn his tongue.]

"Pissy"?

[He feels personally attacked, Crow. Tread lightly.]

Nothing too hostile, mind you, but it was rather funny how I had offered to talk about anything other than the ring, then he zeroed in on it and complained when I gave an honest answer.

[He shrugs. It's not like he's greatly offended.]

[Pff. Sometimes Crow really does seem like a space alien.]

I'm fairly sure I understand it.

...Fair enough. I understand how odd our arrangement is. In other realities, it's not so simple.

[He blows a small sigh, looking over his coffee.]

It wasn't my intention to offend, for whatever it's worth.

[What.]

I'm not offended. [Just making that clear.] You'd know if I were offended, as I hope you understand at this juncture.

[Quickly, he sips his coffee. A bit too quickly, but he can take it.]

Apologies. I suppose I'm still a bit out of it.

[He might as well take a sip.

Mm. Certainly quality. Magpie's tastes win yet again.]

[Goddammit. He sighs, dropping back in his chair to regard Crow. His weird sibling in the quantum dimension, apparently.]

Don't apologise.

I was going to say I'm sure he's jealous. [Orly.]

Is that so?

[Heh. Well, it at least got a lil' smirk to partially form.]

Not of your—[It doesn't take more than a moment for him to come up with a suitably dismissive phrase.]—excessive experience.

Just that you have him. For whatever purposes you require.

[Because, seriously, talk about unfinished business.]

[...Pfffft. Snrk. Sorry, Magpie, but he can't help but laugh.]

I wasn't even thinking about sex specifically.

[Though, goodness. He figured it out... then again, Raven likely did, too.]

But I see what you mean. The freedom to be so close to him is... well, I only wish I could share my fortune, honestly.

[Annnnd that smile's waning again.]

[Of course they figured it out. They spent most of November and December compensating for it, with the disdain only tweens can truly muster.]

I need to talk to him. But I suppose that will come when I return. Regardless, Crow, we're not here to talk about me. Your evasions will not work.

[Because he's wise to those games now. Ask about his problems and he will decline to discuss them.]

That guy upset you, you were saying. With his intransigent bullshit.

[...Damn it. How the tables have turned.

He takes another sip of coffee before responding.]

He tried everything to push me away. Saying everything I knew about him was fake, admitting to how he hurt you, and denying that I care about him after I asserted that I did.

[Which is... well, obviously, it's not great.]

He even acted like I was trying to start a "cognitive murderer collection" as if thre was no more nuance to my actions or intentions.

[Absolutely frustrating, to say the least.]

Even his petulant bullshit is unoriginal.

[Because, okay, he can admit that he has perhaps in the past said more than one of those things himself. Admittedly, the bit about remorse is appealing; Magpie hopes that guy can't sleep at night.]

That said, you do have a collection. How many are you up to now?

I haven't exactly kept count.

[He holds his cheek up with one hand, while the other taps at the tabletop.]

He kept insisting that everyone should cut him loose. He was adamant that he will die, no matter what he tries. It was so...

[He can't even find the right words, so he takes another sip of coffee.]

And, let me guess. Cutting him loose and letting him die would offend your sense of natural justice, or some such thing.

[He watches Crow, unblinking across the table and his cooling coffee cup. At some point, he knows this has to come back to him, but it's just. So. It's so.]

I can't lose anyone else.

[His voice sounds so small. Almost closer to a frightened Raven than his usual confidence and conviction.]

[Oh, and that... it's like both of them are here at once again. Fuck, he never asked for this!

and yet he knows he did, every day, every second, see him, want him, need him, keep him, he'll do anything, anything, anything

He sets down his cup, lips pursing up tight, his very skin cringing inwards.]

Crow. [He hesitates.] ...Akechi. He's not your responsibility. You aren't "losing him", he left. He's not even from your world.

[It's so strange, so surreal for Magpie of all people to comfort Crow like this. He's doing his best. Putting forth an effort.

It's... nice.]

I know he's not my responsibility, but even if he's from a different world, it's so fucking frustrating. I have had far too many close calls. Nanako-chan nearly died. Marie came this close to suicide because she thought it was the only way to protect us all.

Why is it so hard to accept that he's worth saving?

[It's not just that Ren, though. There's another person he can think of who fits the bill...

But that goes unsaid.]

[It's better so. And yet the fact of it, the obligation of it, fills the room, along with a simple fact: Some of us just aren't worth saving.]

Why is it so hard to accept that you have obligations? [Listen to that, he even sounds ordinarily cold, though his fingernails are wrecking yet another pair of gloves at speed.] You have children who depend on you. Your Ren, to my infinite chagrin, still has furniture to wreck with you.

You need to prioritise yourself and those others over him. That's all there is.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: suicide ideation mention

no subject