pancakeboy | ic inbox [ota]

[And he catches his breath. Nothing he says is going to work. When the kid comes around, though—then he'll get it. He'll see what Akechi is, and he'll just walk away, and thank fuck for that.

But what if he doesn't? Akechi knows what Call of Chaos does—it opens people up to their darkest desires. The things they're most ashamed of, that they don't dare admit. That they lie to themselves about.

so what would it do to me...? what will he be like, after this...?

I don't give a shit about your feelings. I don't want you. The words are on the tip of his tongue. He could let them fly and ruin the kid forever.

But he doesn't. Because he's as selfish as it's possible to be. And he doesn't want to let go either.]

But I don't want you to be like me. [He breathes it, again, through gritted teeth.] You have choices. You have alternatives. You don't need anything you can learn from me.

I'll still be me! I can make my own decisions! But maybe there are things about you that I actually like! If you were really that bad, you wouldn't have done half the things you did for me!

I don't need perfection, damn it! I just need someone who gets it. And maybe we can both benefit somehow! I don't fucking know!

[He doesn't...

Oof. He's a little wobbly. It might be starting to subside, a little.]

I don't...

Hey. [Oh, thank god. He readies himself for shock, for revulsion, steadying the kid in his arms.]

You're all right. You're safe. Come back down, now.

...Shit.

[He doesn't act in revulsion or shock, but he does pull back just enough to avert his eyes because his cheeks are just a little red from embarrassment.]

I, ah... Please don't get mad!

[He wasn't trying to be rude! He's not sure what he was trying to do, but that sure was a lot.]

It's a little late for that, don't you think? [His cheeks aren't red, but his eyes are. The tears didn't fall, though, which would have been the end.

But there are other considerations, for the moment. More important than anything that might just have happened. He turns his head a little, to ask.]

... how do you feel? What was it like?

I think it made me stupid.

[That may or may not be sarcastic, but hmm...

How does he describe that?]

It was like everything I was holding back wanted to explode out of me. I wasn't afraid of pushing too far or stepping out of line. I didn't give a fuck, and it was... liberating, I suppose. In the moment, anyway.

[And he sighs quietly, over younger-him's shoulder. All his chains gone. A liberation, just as he always thought. Except... imagine if he came out with even a fraction of what he just heard? No, thank you.

He sits back on his heels, on the grass. He's going to have grass stains for years, shit.]

I'd say "stupid" is probably something of an understatement. [He releases younger-him from his embrace, which is becoming just a bit awkward; he examines his face.]

What about that headache? Did it settle?

Oh.

[He blinks a few times.]

I guess so.

[He lifts his hands and looks at his fingernails, face crumpling.]

...And I got dirt under my nails. Fantastic.

[He sighs, just a tad grumbly.]

...It wasn't like what I said was a lie, necessarily. I just didn't have control over how I said it. The words just came out.

I don't think we need to talk about what was said. [By either of them. At all. Ever. He scowls.]

Are you telling me I was stuck with a headache after my awakening, and you're not?

[...but they'll both know. Akechis are like elephants, in that single regard.]

I feel... heavy? Perhaps a little achey, but it's not nearly as bad.

[He sighs.]

I can focus better, at least. And that infernal screaming's stopped.

[Still, something registers.]

Wait. You put a gun to my head and I summoned my Persona here. What the fuck?

[Oh yeah, he knew that would repeat on him. His face pinches white. This will be what breaks them apart, for sure.]

That's what I'm for. [His lips press together, then he elaborates.]

Usually without the Persona-summoning, I admit. Or the being present afterwards.

That's incredibly weird.

[...]

Where can I get one?

[No revulsion. Sorry, Akechi, but you aren't shaking him that easily.]

[His brain grinds to a halt. It's not a pleasant sensation.]

... you need to talk to your older self. Tell him you want an Evoker, and he will say no. Rightly.

[In fact, where is that fucking thing? He looks around, then reaches for it, holstering it back against his ankle. Then, as if he's gained fifty years of age all at once, he gets to his feet.]

You were scared to death. I saw it. I could have shot you dead just as easily.

But you didn't.

[He gets back to his feet, perhaps a bit sluggishly, but if Magpie's going to stand, so will he. He will not be a little froggy sitting in the dirt, thank you.]

And it worked, didn't it? You did what you felt was appropriate given the circumstances. I don't know why you think that would scare me off.

But I would. [He glares.] That's what you refuse to get about me.

If it was in my interests to kill you, or older-you, or fucking Hawk, stupid name that that is—I'd do it.

[At some point, the two Lokis have vanished. Hm.]

Because Shido ordered it?

[He's not trying to be sassy. He really isn't. There's a lot he doesn't understand. He doesn't want to overstep, and yet...]

Because he's not here. And he hasn't ordered it. And frankly, you clearly have the power to obliterate him in his own fucking office if you can summon a Persona with that thing.

[Funny how even after Call of Chaos has faded, he's got the confidence to point this out.]

Whatever you've done in the past, time's arrow flies ever forward. Someone took a chance on me once. I think I'll take my chances with you. If it backfires, so be it.

Because I choose it. [And because he could arrive tomorrow, in theory, in the worst case scenario. And he still isn't sure what he'd do, if that turned out to be the case.

The suggestion he kill Shido drives him mad, just as it always does. He turns, feeling hollow, to head back to the apartment. Somehow, the building, and the park around them, have got off mostly unscathed, more's the pity.

I think I'll take my chances with you. Just like any stupid child. Just like anyone desperate enough to cling to the rope around their neck. Just like....]

Edited 2023-09-24 02:06 (UTC)

You did. And I probably would have, too, if I had nothing else to live for.

[He follows along, sighing as he steps. At least he can walk now.]

I was on the verge of giving up on, well, everyone. Years of suffering in silence. The only reason I didn't end it was because I wanted to spite the world that destroyed her. I wanted to live long enough to make Shido pay. To acknowledge what he threw away.

[He shakes his head.]

I still think about it, sometimes. Dojima-san told me once- Shido isn't my father, but a "glorified sperm donor." It's a nice thought, but whether directly or indirectly, he's still made his mark. And I'm not like my older self, who's had years to "get better," or whatever happened to make him so confident. I'm just me, but I'm trying to be a 'me' I can be happy with.

[...]

But that's easier said than done, isn't it?

[But no; he clenches his fist, almost drawing to a halt. Why shouldn't he just fucking shoot him? Take that Evoker into the Diet and bring it down around both their ears? Because if ever there was a worthless piece of shit that needed to die, surely Shido tops the list? After everyone who's died on his orders, at Akechi's hands? Or as good as?

I won't be weak anymore. His spine stiffens as he walks.

Maybe that part of him that won't just shoot his father dead is the part everyone's so convinced he should "nurture". The part they think is the real him, and all the rest accreted from outside, like a caddisfly cocoon. But they're wrong. He didn't build his cocoon from what he found; he span it himself, from what was inside him. A night-flying moth, with smiling faces on its wings.

He's still made his mark. I'm just me, but I'm trying to be a me I can be happy with. I wanted to spite the world that destroyed her.

He sighs. Turns around, with a glare. But younger-Akechi is adept at seeing through him, and should see it for what it is.]

Are you coming?

[Yes, he can see through the glare. In fact, it makes him chuckle. He keeps following.]

Doesn't that go without saying?

[Given everything he said while going wild under that power's influence? Obviously, he's coming.]

After all, I believe you still owe me a meal.

You're as bad as I was at your age.

[They've crossed the street; he props the door of his building open for younger-him, with two fingers.]

Get a meal out of someone once, and they'll never be rid of you.

[And once again, down in that place where the ledgers are kept, the same girl's voice sounds, puzzled, on butterfly wings. Death, rank 1, potential. Death, rank 1, potential. But why are there two of them? Where are these coming from so suddenly?

The elderly voice laughs again. I'm sure there are as many as there need to be. Our Tricksters are like that. You shouldn't worry so much, Lavenza.]

Edited 2023-09-24 03:26 (UTC)

Just for that, I bet my older self is already scheming ways to rope you into another one of his meals.

[It's said in jest, but, naturally he'll follow along. He needs to clean up, anyway, before they can go anywhere. A shower. Tooth brushing. His hair could use some refinement, too.

But at least now that the worst of it has passed, they can hopefully enjoy the meal. They've both earned it, really.]

[So it's later—though not much later—that the two of them are perched at the counter of what was a fashionable Kichijoji diner in the real world, and here feels rather like someone built it from Pego bricks. And he has a plate of pancakes perched in front of him, because after the morning he's had, he can eat whatever the hell he wants to.]

We're almost getting into a routine. Wreck ourselves, eat breakfast.

[He is not the only one with a ridiculous pancake stack, although this boy has gone all out, with berries and a chocolate drizzle because after everything that has happened, he is going to enjoy himself.

Well, at least the quip gets a chuckle out of him.]

Kanji-san was a bit concerned after I had texted him. He told me that my little escapade was a bit too close to Shirogane-san's own antics.

[Heh.]

Did you know that he apparently appeared on TV for an interview just to get kidnapped?

[At this moment, he is less enthused by the first Detective Prince than he has ever been.]

I did know that. During the Inaba investigation. The Midnight Channel, correct?

[His own pancake stack has a fried egg on top; he stabs the thing, and it leaks yolk all down the side.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: light suicide mention

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject