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Yes, I'm sure Ren has seen quite enough of your back and your serpent by now.

[Slotting his extravagant drink into its holder—the stars turn out to be nothing but gold and silver star-shaped sprinkles, which aren't without a certain charm—he, too, drops into his seat, the popcorn before him like a shield. Hm, they are good seats.]

But yes. Nobody can sit in front of us. We have an excellent view of— [For some reason, the cups have acquired neat brown wigs, while the hot dogs have picked up messy black ones. He picks a piece of salted popcorn from his cup and hurls it, raising his voice and starting to laugh.]

This is trash! Where's the movie? [Magpie, that may not be a very good idea.]

Only in the bathhouse.

[As if beckoned by Magpie's complaint, the little snack mascots filter away. The screen darkens...

Dramatic music builds...

And then a narrator.

IN A WORLD... WITH FAR TOO MANY GORO AKECHIS, ONE PHILOSOPHICAL DEBATE BECKONS.

IS THE TYRANNOSAURUS REX, THE TYRANT KING... A SCAVENGER OR A PREDATOR?

Crow snorts, taking a sip from his cocoa.]

Well, this is new.

It's obviously a predator. Even Akira-kun knew that. Well, I say "even". [Since the kid is already an expert on dinosaurs, beyond what Akechi can hope to touch without further study. Pushing the boat out, he peels a few kernels into his mouth, as the trailer continues.

A very fine plush T-rex bobs in, pausing before a rather worse-for-wear... Ryujorb? Sakamotorb? Regardless, it has harshly embroidered crosses for eyes, and a pink felt tongue hanging out. The T-rex bobs hopelessly over the unfortunate Ryujorb. DID TYRANNOSAURUS SCAVENGE FROM THE CORPSES OF THE DEAD?]

Hope it doesn't eat brains. [His eyes are bright, and his grin a bit feral, as the voiceover continues.]

...Do you have bizarre fantasies about Ryuji dying?

[There's no inherent judgment in his voice. Just bewilderment.

But the trailer doesn't stop there... The screen rumbles. There's a triumphant roar.

A photorealistic CGI T-rex storms in, but its tiny arms aren't enough to lift the fallen Ryujorb. Instead, it grabs the plush T-Rex in its maw as Akira-kun rides on its back with a blanket cape and crown.

NO! THEY WERE HUNTERS! AND NOW THE SUSHI IS GOOD! DON'T FORGET TO EAT!

Sushi rains down. This is becoming a very strange commercial. The T-rex is now chomping the sushi and has a Goro Akechi hairdo.

THE TRUTH ABOUT T-REX... COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.]

[Ugh.] What are you talking about? I have fantasies about everyone dying....

[But then Akira-kun is storming the screen, in glorious Technicolor, with his blanket cape and one small fist punching the heavens, and apparently...?]

Wait, is that me? The dinosaur? Can I trade for the snake? [But the screen is fading to black, and dark water is rippling in. Something about a... ship? Fuck.

His heart sinks through the floor, and his gorge rises. FAR FROM THEIR HOMES AND WITH ONLY EACH OTHER, TWO STAR-CROSSED LOVERS MUST FIGHT FOR SURVIVAL—there are quick suggestions of orbs, at least one of which looks suspiciously Gorby—

AND FUN!

The wide-angle now shows a Gorb, alongside a previously-unsuspected Horb (Harorb?) clad in deep plum. They are bouncing from side to side together, a little too enthusiastically. Akechi scrabbles for his phone.] Shit.

...That must be Rose and her version of us, because I am certainly not straight, and I'm fairly certain you aren't either. And I'm absolutely not bisexual... Or interested in Haru-san in such a capacity.

[Just... what. They're on a boat now. A boat out in the middle of a sea made of shiny blue foil.

BUT A GRAVE OBSTACLE STANDS IN THE WAY OF THEIR FEELINGS...

Suddenly, a Sugimora Orb appears. A Sugimorb.

SO TOGETHER, THEY'LL FIGHT TO SEND HIM TO THE GRAVE!

The Horb and Gorb are now pummeling Sugimorb. Okay then.]

I don't even want to think about Rose in that way.

[Said with the distracted air of the truly uninterested. He has his phone camera set up to activate with a single swipe of his finger; it records as, clad in sharply spiked skirts and with high-pitched squeaks, Horb and Gorb joyfully reduce Sugimorb to a pile of shredded stuffing.

They have just started bouncing excitedly up and down together again when the voice intones: BUT CAN BOTH ORBS SURVIVE THE CALL OF THE DEEP? This is followed by the camera very obviously turning on its side. The orbs tumble sideways and out of shot nonetheless, eeping frantically.

The screen fades to black; he shuts off the camera.] Uh. What the shit. Maybe I won't send this to her after all. [He'll keep it, though.]

Edited 2023-10-18 04:56 (UTC)

...It certainly was an eventful trailer.

[Suddenly, upbeat music plays.

A REUNION MONTHS IN THE MAKING...

There's a shot of the velvet room. A gorb in a Shujin Uniform BOUNCES OUT, bumping right into a... Rorb.

NOW TOGETHER AGAIN, THEY CAN FACE ALL OF LIFE'S RESPONSIBILITIES.

Cue a shot of the Gorb being surrounding by tiny, bouncing Gorbs and an Akirorb. The larger Rorb is also bouncing. There's another, grumpier Gorb watching with a little smirk.

BUT LITTLE DOES ONE PRICKLY GORB REALIZE... THERE'S NO ESCAPING THE LORB OF RORB AND CRORB.

The... Rorb pushes the Shujin Gorb (Crorb) up against Magorb. There is also a pizza for some reason.

CAN THESE THREE UNLIKELY HEROES LEARN TO LIVE IN HARMONY?

Crow just stares at the screen, trying not to snicker.]

I would certainly hope so.

Edited 2023-10-18 05:02 (UTC)

[Okay, he is legit only just over his relief that that wasn't Shido's ship in the last trailer. Is that smirky Gorb meant to be him? It's even got...]

Shit, it's even got my jacket. [The one he's wearing, and has been hard to separate from for the last month; the smirky orb is clad in green fuzz, and... pizza goo, after the last Rorb/Crorb combined assault. Semi-delicately, he loads a handful of popcorn into his mouth, to prevent anything else from coming out of it.

It looks like that was the last trailer. When it fades to black this time, it stays black. He swallows the last of his popcorn.]

I can rub up against you like that if you really want. Just spare me the pizza.

I have no idea why pizza came up in the first place. As for close contact, we literally held each other the other night and your apartment didn't burn down.

[So it's fine, really. As long as it's not sexual, it's perfectly fine...

And then from the darkness comes narration...

It was a normal day like any other...

The camera shifts to a shot of a beach.

We were celebrating my birthday, only it wasn't me. It was me... from the past.

Shot of what looks like Raven whispering to a tiny Akechi and a tiny Akira. Oh no.

Everything was going so well, until one fateful moment...

Cut to a shot of two older teenage Akechi. One of them looks at his phone.

Then, everything changed.

Suspenseful music follows, and already, Crow is resisting the urge to cringe.]

That was in my sleep. It didn't count. [But then the narration comes up, and his words stick in his throat.] Sshit. It really is this bad, isn't it?

[Slightly aghast, and for no other reason, he pulls the chocolate straw from his drink, and starts to eat it. The narration continues, as the Akechi on the left sunbed, in the orange trunks, starts to text dramatically. Above his head, a stylised message box appears.

Magpie: Tell me, Crow, are you ever curious about sex?

The Akechi on the right sunbed, in the black trunks, jumps—again, dramatically. In fact, did his hair stand on end? Another message box appears, above him, for his reply.

Crow: Oho. Trying to seduce me, are you? Magpie: I really am.

It takes but a split-second for Akechi to raise his voice, accidentally smearing chocolate onto his upper lip.] What the FUCK?

[A passive-aggressive caption appears on the bottom of the screen, capped with a smiling bunny face. Please be considerate of your fellow citizen during the movie. 🐰] No, no, fuck you! Those shorts didn't look anywhere near that bad on me!

Edited 2023-10-19 07:58 (UTC)

Well, we knew what we were getting into...

[He'll take a VERY deliberate slurp from his straw and then... screw it.

Supportive hand is go!

Meanwhile, the narration keeps going...

A daring distraction, a dance of deception, rapidly took place. I could feel my heart pounding...

Magpie: What about it? When you think of it, it's just elaborate masturbation, isn't it? And since our last conversation, I've thought about it a lot.

Crow: I suppose it's a pride thing? Craving dominance over me with my "500 Personas."

Magpie: I'm just wondering what it would be like to have someone else there for a change. We are "bonded", after all.

Plus, I'm your Adjustment Arcana, you said. I have to adjust something.

Crow: So you aim to adjust my ass?

As the text bubbles continue appearing, the music shifts, detuning slightly. The movie version of Magpie waggles his eyebrows and smirks. The movie version of Crow is very red in the face. There's a subtle hissing sound intermixed with the music.

Movie Crow tries to look away, but movie Magpie takes a seductive reclining pose, looking him in the eye. "Don't look over there, Crow. This is our special time. You and me."

It was at that precise moment that it began stirring...

Magpie: Or do I need to distract you with my mouth? ;)

Crow groans.]

You did not use a winking face. Honestly...

[That's all he manages to quip before something hisses... from movie!Crow's shorts. Hisses and shifts.]

[He's just finished up his straw and cleaned his face with a tissue (always on hand), when Crow takes his hand and he stiffens, muttering half to himself. He doesn't quite pull away.] Really, Crow, your timing.

[Except... wait, what is that. What is that snake doing? His eyes fix on it with horror.]

I suppose at least we know it's a literal serpent?

Well, it was on the poster...

[But that was just the beginning...

Movie Crow sends off the fateful text: But you know, I have a distinct feeling our tastes differ quite a bit.

Unless you crave a tender embrace. Soft lips pressed into yours. A hand gingerly stroking your cheek...

Movie Magpie sends another text, the one about pinning Crow to the wall and fucking him with his hands around his neck.

That's when it happens. The serpent below the belt rears its head bursting from Movie Crow's shorts with a seductive hiss. Sensual saxophone music plays.

It's... it's ridiculous. So ridiculous, Crow can't help but laugh.]

[But Magpie's not laughing. His hand has locked onto Crow's like a vice, as the snake spreads its mouth wide and flashes its fangs at the camera, filling the screen.]

Do you, uh. Want me to check you don't have one of those things in there?

[For clarity's sake, he is joking. But it was that mention of someone being tender with him that made him lock up.]

I assure you that I have a perfectly normal penis.

[But oh, it seems the movie hasn't abandoned its cruel torment as soon. Soon, movie Magpie tries batting the snake away. Texts continue to bounce between the two.

And then. And then... another serpent manifests, hissing just as excitedly... from Movie Magpie.

His is spikier.]

... looks as if I can't say the same.

[Movie Crow's snake, which appears to be of near-infinite length, has by now given up on attacking Movie Magpie directly. Instead, it's taking on the newcomer, the spiky snake, which has erupted around its neck with a collar of brittle-looking black spines. Movie Crow and Movie Magpie are exchanging looks behind them, about which the less said, the better.]

I suppose that answers at least one question for us. [That being: who tops? He sounds quite relaxed about it, too.]

Ha. I was told that I probably shouldn't even attempt to top for the foreseeable future.

[Not that they plan to do anything together, obviously. That's reserved for Ren.

But god, this... trouser snake fight. What is it even? The narration is not helping.

The sinful urge to just let it all go, to embrace the chaos and take it all was far too strong...

But deep in my heart, I knew it could not be so.

Suddenly, the two movie Akechis pry their serpents apart.

They rush to the ocean after shoving them deep into their swim trunks.

We had to be stronger... stronger than the snakes that sought the collision of flesh!]

What the hell? [He hisses under his breath, amused and insulted.] Who told you that?

[As the two movie Akechis make desperately for the ocean, he leans forward, detaching his hand in the process.] Where did they go? They just—is this some clumsy metaphor for hidden desires, or whatever the phrase is?

[Onscreen, movie Magpie and movie Crow are reacting to the shock of the water roughly as if they've been electrocuted.]

One of the people who came to me with sex advice. They said that I should be the one to receive until I build more confidence.

[He shrugs. It's not that big of a deal to him, really, but... pffft.

Goodness.]

And yes, I believe that is what it is about, considering the entire context of "serpent below the belt" was me being frustrated that you gave me an erection.

[As the two boys settle in the water, they embrace and have a heartfelt emotional moment not unlike what really happened, with music swelling and everything.

But then... then, from along the beach walks in a shirtless Ren Amamiya with a surfboard, waggling his eyebrows. What.]

Come on. That wasn't hidden. That was a natural physiological response, which I'll have you know it took a degree of skill to evowwwhat the hell.

[As Ren walks in, waggling his eyebrows, and his surfboard, and other things too. He takes to the water as the movie Akechis exchange what appear to be terrified glances. His skin gleams ominously.]

Do I want to know why there's oil on him? Won't he fry? Did he need waterproofing?

Edited 2023-10-19 20:39 (UTC)

[Crow tries to be calm. He tries to nod along and weigh in on the conversation, but then... But then...

Oh god, the commentary makes him burst out laughing.]

He's... he's so shiny... Truly beautiful.

[The Ren confidently moves closer. Movie Crow gasps dramatically at the sight. The movie Ren swims behind them, draping his arms over his shoulders.

You guys look like you could use a referee...]

[Movie Magpie, meanwhile, is jumping up and down in the sea, as best he can, plainly bursting with rage, and... and something else. Something Akechi sees very well. In the dark of the theatre, his face sets into a mask.

What are you doing here!? movie Magpie is shrieking, with a wave of his arm. We didn't need you! We were doing fine!]

Goodness, listen to him. [So sweet and pleasant.] Can we rewind to the bit with the snakes?

...Listen.

[The movie is clearly going to unusual places. The movie Crow is trying to mediate, trying to offer assurances that everything is fine.]

I know that Ren's arrival has probably been alarming. I'm not stupid. It probably feels as if his presence leaves you in the dust. That I won't "need" you anymore.

[He sighs. Why did this movie have to take such a weird turn?]

But just because Ren is here doesn't mean you can walk out of my life. Don't do to me what you think I'll do to you. Which I won't. The fact that we're sitting through this bullshit movie should be proof of that.

[Perhaps because of a minor miracle, Magpie says nothing. His mask almost doesn't slip—just a quirk of his mouth downwards, and some tension between his eyes. Why the fuck can't he keep anything private here?

As if he's not watching a "movie" fabricated from their experience by whatever is watching them. He sits back. Movie Ren is batting his eyelashes at a furious movie Magpie, who is half-turned from him with hunched shoulders. Come on, wouldn't you like all three of us to play? But movie Magpie screeches, no!

Movie Crow puts a hand over his eyes. In the far distance, something black appears in the water. Something very black, and very... triangular; Akechi's salvation. Don't do to me what you think I'll do to you.]

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