pancakeboy | the boy in the belfry

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the boy in the belfry

In the end, Akechi comes out of Mementos into the Shibuya night, walks past the people still making for the station, and sits in the shadows, on a bench under the trees. Nobody notices him; a lot of the people passing are drunk, and couldn't see a metre in front of their face.

Shido had dragged him out for a psychotic breakdown, of course. And it was fun, they're always fun, they're funny. Except for this one he'd also been really fucking angry; even getting to the target had almost killed him. That thing inside him that's not Loki, exactly, but is like Loki; the thing that's always in chains, and can't quite spread its wings. Akechi gives it a little prod every time he fights, to see what it will do.

And it's him, of course, just like Loki is him, deep down. Why shouldn't he hurt things? Shadows aren't fucking real. Even a person's shadow isn't them. And yet there's always that chain on his neck, fine gold rather than a prison shackle, whispering control.

For the first time, he consciously thinks about Ren, reaching for his phone. This time it's the gold chain that tightens on his neck, as he types from memory.

"In the moment a captive lion steps out of his cage, he possesses a wider world than the lion who has known only the wilds. While he was in captivity, there were only two worlds to him; the world of the cage, and the world outside the cage. Now he is free. He roars. He attacks people. He eats them. yet he is not satisfied, for there is no third world that is neither the world of the cage nor the world outside the cage."

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[Imagine being the kind of trash who needs moral support. He scoffs under his breath.]

You are quite the public servant, aren't you. Don't make the mistake of thinking anything I say when we're fucking is real.

[...that's the only thing I have. The only thing that's yours alone. He'd said it. He'd said it, and—he'd meant it?

In the end, he sends the text uncompleted.]

[ Ren looks down at his phone for a second with a quizzical little smile. Akechi is so strange. ]

or maybe i just like you have u considered that

[ As soon as he sends those messages he deeply regrets it, and quickly follows it up with: ]

actually speaking of that i have a question

[When he realises the edge of his phone is cutting into his hand, he sets it down on his knee.]

Ask.

[ Hm, yeah, that went down about as well as Ren expected. ]

when do u want to meet up again? it doesnt have to be at night. we dont have to fuck, we can just hang out

[ Despite the casual wording, he is nervous. There's a chance that Akechi will say, What do you mean, "we don't have to fuck"? ]

[It does cross his mind. But they used to meet up and not fuck, and it wasn't the... well, things certainly were a lot more controlled back then.]

I'm booked up until next week. [That's to say, phase two of the Medjed plan goes live on Sunday, and Akechi will be seeing Ren then, one way or another. Not to mention Sae.]

When you say "hang out", what do you have in mind? Exactly? [Because Akechi does not "hang out".]

idk. theres a lot of stuff we could do watch a movie, play games, get food, go to the park, see an exhibit, go shopping, go to the batting cages just sit around somewhere and talk its a big city

[Boring, maybe, boring, boring, probably boring... The last one catches his interest.]

Are those the batting cages in Yongen-jaya? I suppose I'm not surprised you go there.

ye better than pull-ups on my splintery ceiling beams

You're like something out of a horror movie. I suppose we could do that. Though I can't guarantee my availability until nearer the time.

[What will you say, when I defeat you? I know you'll look me in the eye. You'll hate me, like you should have known to do all along. That's how this inevitably ends.... whatever this is, it can't ever be real.]

Do you think about the future?

[ The first message makes him grin, a sunny expression he rarely shows to anyone. Too bad Akechi's not here to see it. But the last one... ]

ye sometimes why

[ "The future" can mean a lot of things. Career prospects, college (both more complicated topics than they were eight months ago, before his conviction), his love life, how he's going to take care of his parents when they're old, who's going to take care of him when he's old, the future of the human race... not to mention all the questions about the future of the Phantom Thieves, which only seem to multiply every time they change the heart of a palace ruler. He thinks about it all, usually late at night when he ought to be asleep. ]

[He should have known not to expect more than that; he bites his lip.]

Do you look forward to it?

[ ...he blinks at his phone. ]

idk. no ones asked me that before

[ He looks forward to stuff like freedom from his parents and finding a place where no one knows he was ever a probationer. But other things like leaving Tokyo, the inevitable dissolution of the Phantom Thieves at the end of the school year if not sooner... not really. ]

its hard to give one answer when the future has so much stuff in it i used to be afraid of it but now its more of a mixed bag i guess? what about you

[He knew this one would be turned back on him, if he asked it.]

Very much so, in parts. Less so, in others.

[The time is coming when the noose he has around Shido's neck will finally close, after all. But before that, there's another noose to close, inevitably. And after that..?

Station Square is silent and deserted around him.]

"Goro Akechi" wouldn't tell you this. You know that guy. He'll say anything. But when I look at the future, I see very little. I don't know that I see a place for myself in the adult world. Is that something you understand?

[ He examines the message for flattery and, indeed, finds some suspicious turns of phrase. But he also sees, or at least is pretty sure he sees, a genuine lack of hope that resonates with him. ]

yeah partly bc of my record but i felt that way before all that happened like in order to have a place there i would have to cut pieces off of myself until i fit

[He knows it's flattering—that Akechi's confiding in him, never mind anything else. But—and this is the weirdest part—he means it, too. At some point, he's come to believe the betrayal in this little tangle of bodies goes only one way.

Of course, Ren knows shit all about him. But perhaps that wouldn't even make a difference. Perhaps Akechi really could tell him everything, and then fuck him with his mask truly off.]

I don't think I've ever done that. [He believes this.] You understand how it is. "Goro Akechi" will always have a place, no matter how fleeting fame is. That's a good thing to know. But there are times when the person I've become feels like a prison. Tonight was one of those times.

[ Ren doesn't say he's sorry, because it'll be misconstrued. But he knows the feeling, to some extent. It turns out that's the danger of making yourself something different to everyone. You're constantly switching back and forth and back and forth between masks, with no time to stop and breathe except when you're asleep and sometimes not even then.

What about the person Akechi has become felt like a prison tonight, though? Because Ren's pretty damn sure it wasn't the Detective Prince. ]

if u ever need to do a prison break hmu we can go to a 24hr arcade and i can win back my honor after my poor billiards performance or a 24hr batting cage. those must exist

[ If he uses the right language, maybe Akechi will take it in the spirit that it's meant and not get touchy about the fact that Ren is offering to help him. ]

[It's not hard to accept in the spirit it's meant; anything more emotional would have irritated him.]

Get on a plane and fly to Hawai'i, perhaps? Live on the beach. Though I think I'd like a faster pace than that. Maybe I'll get a motorcycle. See the world on that.

[Talk about dreaming of things you can't possibly have. Akechi isn't even allowed to keep his passport.]

if u want to go to the beach we can do one here big sunglasses and a new hairstyle and youll be incognito. proven strategy though not if ur swim trunks are monogrammed

[Nobody ever gets the monogram, though he's seen a few foreigners staring at it. Imagine that, though—just sitting on the beach with his hair tied back.]

Don't start about my underwear, Ren. I saw you staring at it. Or maybe that's not so much what you were staring at? I guess, if I went to the beach, I'd just sit and read. Not too good company.

oh i was staring at the whole package as it were

[ He couldn't resist, okay. ]

and chilling on the beach is a time-honored activity we could both read. or i could sleep in the sun imagine if we went to the beach and i got a tan. id be a different person

[... he turns a little bit pink. Plus, the beach thing is a weird thought. Like, if Akechi wasn't Akechi, and Ren wasn't Joker, and the two of them could just go to the beach and ... hang out. Not entirely unpleasing.]

That sounds right. Blisters from the tip of your nose to anywhere you left uncovered. I burn easily enough, so you must have some stories. That's one of the worst parts of the celebrity business, you know. I have to worry about that shit. [And yet, he doesn't want to give it up.]

i fell asleep in my backyard when i was seven middle of the afternoon blisters everywhere. horrible cream all over my skin every few hours for days i wasnt even tan afterwards i went right back to being pasty

[He stares at the message. When he was seven he'd still been living with his first aunt, still been puzzling things out in silence. Nobody would have noticed if he fell asleep in the yard, either.]

I suppose I could put sunblock on you. That might solve a good many of your problems. It could take a while, if you want to run about without your shirt.

[A pair of police officers walk past and look at him. Akechi gives them an unfocused pleasant-boy smile, and they move on.]

if u started putting lotion on me wed never make it to the beach

[ Like. That's just a fact. ]

[There are worse things to talk and think about, after all.]

That doesn't sound so bad. We have unfinished business, after all. Two policemen just walked past and stared at me. Not sure if they recognised me, or thought I was up to something.

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